Snow

We finally got snow! At least a foot. It is so amazing - the most I have ever seen in this town in my life. Having lived in New England for 6 years I've grown so accustomed to lots of snow that being back here made me very sad as I figured I'd not see snow at all this winter. But then we get a whole foot!! To me it's hilarious how unprepared people are being used to snow ploughs out on the roads when there's only an inch or too. But here only the main roads seem to have been ploughed and badly at that. And the sidewalks haven't been shoveled at all! I'm sure people are going to be out there slipping and dying. There is snow EVERYWHERE! I watched people dig out their cars and drives with dustpans and rakes, and I dug out our own drive with the attachment bucket from a lawnmower. The town has noone employed to deal with this kind of weather at all, meaning local steps are a deathtrap, so I went out to clear the ones near my house off and people looked at me like I was insane. Snow just doesn't seem to bring out the public spirit and camaraderie here like it does in the US - I miss New England!! But still I am happy for my miracle of snow!!!

Carpet

I've enjoyed the apartments I've lived in in America - all 6 of them (yes I know that's a lot of moves in a short time believe me!) - but one thing I've really never gotten on board with has been the hardwood floors. All but one apartment had them, and that apartment might as well have had them for the carpet it had was paper thin. Admittedly they are fairly easy to clean but somehow they seem to get dirtier quicker and show the dirt a lot more too. And they just aren't fun to lie on and always make the place seem that much colder in the winter. So while there may be many things about living back with my parents that I'm not a fan of, having wall to wall carpet throughout the house is not one of them! And with how crazy cold it's been in this country lately, I'm extra glad for the warm fuzziness of carpet everywhere.

The Past Will Always Define The Future

I'm beginning to not believe in friendships or relationships of any sort - at least not with reference to myself. This is because things keep happening that seem to show that people I thought were my friends just aren't.
Imagine if you will, a girl who has had 3 long relationships, all of which have ended with her guy cheating on her. What hope does she have for a relationship now? All of her experience points to the fact that guys always cheat, so she's gonna have trust issues in any relationship in the future. Alternatively, maybe she will think that there is something wrong with her and that all the cheating is her fault - that she somehow brought it on herself because she isn't worthy. Either way, her past experiences are gonna make her future more difficult.
And so it is I feel with my current situation. Since leaving the US and returning to the UK I have discovered that many people I thought were my friends are in fact not. People are just dropping me like flies. My facebook friend count drops as people de-friend me. They just stop talking to me. One moment e-mails are going back and forth, then nothing. Several people all have a number on which they can call me free, but do you think they ever do? If I hadn't called several people myself, I doubt I would have ever heard from them again. You know someone for 6 years, go to their family's funerals and things and then you leave and that's it - never spoken to again. And it's not just in leaving. I've had roommates steal hundreds of dollars from me and yet somehow expect me to still be their friend. And like I idiot I was! And I've given rides to someone for years all over the place without ever asking for a cent, and then when I needed a ride in turn I had to pay $40 for it. Are these people really friends? People who run from you like the plague as soon as you can't dig them out of the situations they have themselves in any more because you are now in another country. People who will happily have you mail them things from England and yet can't even send you a postcard in the mail themselves. Since being back I've sent many packages Stateside, yet I've had no mail at all myself. It seems quite clear I'm not missed.
And so these things that have happened - these "so called friends" using me or forsaking me over the years cannot help but shape how I feel about things now. And this is not good. Why? Because I do have a few friends out there - real, true, solid friends who wouldn't forsake me and will always be my friends. But all those other people have started to destroy my faith in friendship and make me wary of the friendships I still have. Now I find myself fearing abandonment and lonliness above all else. And naturally this makes me nervous and I misinterpret what people mean, always fearing the worst. I let the attributes of people who have hurt me become associated with people to whom they don't belong. And thus run the risk of a self fulfilling prophecy - making my true friends abandon me because I "punish" them for the "crimes" of others. Because seriously, who wants to keep being friends with a crazy person, who no longer seems to have faith in you or in your friendship?
So this is my dilemma. Friendships - or non-friendships as they have turned out to be - keep defining how I act with my friends of today, and if I keep it up I won't have a friend left!!

Friendship

I was recently asked to describe what "true friendship" means to me. And while many ideas sprung to mind - such as someone holding your hair out of the way while you vomit up a lung - after much deep thought I finally settled on the following concept. True Friendship to me is like being someone's seatbelt. Sounds kinda odd and bland I know but there really is a lot of depth to this idea. If you are someone's seatbelt you will protect them and keep them safe. Without your seatbelt you somehow feel naked and vunerable - you need your seatbelt always. A seatbelt may not look shiny or glamorous but it's not how it looks that's important - it's what it does. Sometimes a seatbelt will hurt you as it protects you - sometimes even enough to leave deep bruises. But the seatbelt is always working for your good. Seatbelts are strong and durable and nearly all of the time, dependable - there'll always be one person who messes up true friendship, just like here and there a seatbelt won't do it's job and you might smash your head into the steering wheel (eh Maria?). But you have to use them or they won't work. You don't click that seatbelt, it's just a useless piece of fabric hanging around a car. If you don't work and build friendships, then it's just random people out there who you pass in the street. Seatbelts are important - everyone should have one. And everyone should have a true best friend as well. Someone who will be there no matter what time you decide to go "driving", be it day or night. They won't drive the car, just come with you for the ride and protect you as best they can. There's only place for one perfect seatbelt in each person's life - kind of like a "soul mate" seatbelt of true friendship.

So ask yourself this question. Do you have a seatbelt?

Turmoil

Well it seems like forever since I've done some blogging but I had to come back to it because I don't think I've ever experienced so many emotions going on at once in my soul. And I've no one to talk to them about, and no way to resolve them so if I don't let them out somehow I feel I might explode, or worse.......... I mean what do you do if the person you really want to talk to is the one person you just can't talk to? That sucks right? I mean you name it and I can guarantee I'm feeling it right now. Pain, sadness, loss, confusion, grief, anger, loneliness, just generally overwhelmed by it all. My favorite part of each day is when I get to crawl into bed and fall asleep - though recently it takes my brain hours to finally shut down and it just wakes up again a couple of hours later and won't switch off. So throughout the day I am constantly exhausted and honestly not much use to myself or anyone else. So day by day my life is slowly falling apart and I feel unable to stop it. Fun times huh?